Off To Bali!

Finally.

Blog will be on hiatus. In case anyone has an emotional panic attack, please follow instructions below.



Blogging shall resume by 3-June-09. But then, I will probably sandpaper it in people's faces how much fun I had, which would make people even more emo.

A very woohoo song that's been playing in my head for a while now.


Tegan & Sara - Back In Your Head

****************

Why do the seeds always get spat out? It would probably be bitter, but if you swallowed it, I wouldn't have to clean them up for you. But now there is a swarm of ants waiting, wanting to get hold of me. I am holding your seeds. Not so much in that manner, but still I wonder if I'll die half finished. It doesn't quite suffice, it is the cheapest way of quick fix. All that is needed, the ability of speech. But I jest. But you will never know. For I am on trial for a crime I did not commit, that one thing that only silver can break.

I woke up this morning and something tells me "if it comes again, it's a miracle".

I hope you are happy, although it might take me a while to genuinely feel happy for you.

I hope the poison will dissolve soon. I hope Bali will neutralize it. And for others, screw you, I hope you die!!!! Bahahaha!!!

Tsk.

Hah. I knew it.

YOU LIAR.

And you dare call *me* a liar.

This is a pattern for you. Find and say. All in the process of several weeks. Let's see how far this one goes.

****************

Some men. Such useless beings. The thing I don't understand is, how they somehow get by. You will forever depend on the people around you to survive. Have you no shame?

Seriously, just rot in hell.

****************

My DS can play music. My happy moment today! : )


Jack's Mannequin - You Can Breathe

Giving Me Corrections

I think I am hurting myself more than anyone is trying to hurt me. I could have not inflict it, I just needed a reason to somehow nurture that twinkly blackness that consumes me in hate, rage and disdain.

I could have just kept the last bit to itself but the shoe doesn't fit. There is a hole here that I can't seem to fill, but a part of me, no, all of me is turning my knuckles white to grip that end of the cliff.

How are the two of you doing? I really want to ask, but I am afraid because I would need to divulge my crimes. This is your thing, isn't it? Making whoosh noises into these sort of things and pretend that the few grey pasts don't exist, me to you. It's like when you're about to get a paper cut, but manage to avoid it, just that tiny bit and you feel whoa, that was close. It's like that, isn't it?

I'm sort of wishing harm upon you. Just because this corner here is quite empty and because the gears didn't shift for me, it shouldn't shift for you either. But harm, nonetheless. Because you never thought to ask. Because you never thought to show any concern. Because you acted like a selfish prick. Only so you can run away unharmed. Uninvolved. And so you wouldn't be held responsible.

There, I think I've talked myself into it. Here's my reason.

Charlie The Unicorn

Wicked!



To nameless, genderless unicorns and the Arnold Susah-nak-eja Charlie. This cracks me up so much.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Smack me in inappropriate places if I overuse the LOL. You're supposed to help me shake off this habit no? But you threw me a cow after that. And I am liking it : )

Your Honeymoon

While you were enjoying your honeymoon, I was there baring my soul out to an empty place. Wet floors made wetter with tears but it was so black, so filthy, I couldn't stand it.

I thought I could find pieces of me and retrieve them, but all I found was a circle for what used to fit. Don't mind me if I think now that this entire fiasco had been in your mind for so long before we fell apart. I'm pretty sure it meant nothing to you, not as much as it meant to me.

I am extremely worried. But I can only get this worry out of the way when I get back. Something inside me churns. In a bad, unhealthy way. I didn't know before, if I was happy or angry. I know now. But I am still worried because nobody else knows. Just her that I sometimes on good fortune, see in the mirror. Maybe a flicker of an image of her.

But you have no idea how hurtful it was to hear no-no-no over and over, followed by no concern at all. And this was much later. In another realm, we would be equal in this because I know where those came from and I agreed. But they just didn't need to be said to me that way.

This was rock bottom to me. And yet, I hope each day with so much sincerity to God, that you are happy.

Grinch

Why do some people set 'Merry Christmas' as their ring tone all year round?

****************

Today, this will be it. I could tell you about it, but no surprises lurk. And it gives no kick. I might bore you away.

I was looking out the window of my car this morning, and I saw a hut and decided it is not a love song. And I care too much like that.

The Insomnia v2.0

Can't help but think you are playing games with me. Each word a pawn, each gesture with its own strategy. You are cryptic too. I learn from the best. You could have at least let me finish.

Would it be so bad to tell me how your day went? Would it be too much to ask for? I wouldn't think it is boring, I will always be interested in your life and what it has to offer you. I will never judge you, try to change you, nor somehow grow a spark of dislike for you. No ink or shoelace could tie this down.

Tonight, thoughts of you serenade me to sleep. To know I am still in your thoughts, no matter how menial, how insignificant that little corner of your heart may be, it soothes this wound that I could still be there. Or at the very least, the shadow of what is left of me.

This paper cut stings.

Pete Murray - I've Seen Better Days

The hourglass has been tilted. The shifting sand is smooth and quick, and slow and painful all at the same time but it is so air tight it has no idea how much I need it.

Is this cryptic? I learned to speak in codes. That way nobody is hurt for sure. Rather unsettling for anyone to want to take my inane ramblings so seriously. Do they know what these words mean to me? Or do they just care? I doubt it.

A few moons ago, I would care. But now, that side of me has left the right in charged. This is a sympathetic lie to a last goodbye. Such disdain. One should only disarm so much.



****************

It was quite quiet last night. Can't quite fathom how people can spell quite and quiet wrongly so often. Some day, when I am able to rid my mind of this, I won't have to hide anymore.

P/S: Kenny Sia is my freaking hero. Bali is all taken care of. This excitement is growing out of proportion. I cannot wait : )

Pete Yorn - Girl Like You

This branch is only capable of having one twig, and on it, one leaf. An illusion of so many other twigs and its lush outlook bothers some. It isn't an illusion I tell you. This tree, or whatever that is left of it is set on a quaint town, for its inhabitants to be there, almost a miracle.

But nobody gives it a second look. What an apt name, weeping willow. Who is gullible enough to believe this?

So what, is it all right for you to slither away with your ankle bound to another but I cannot even own an illusion of many other twigs and leaves? How rooted am I to this prison? Its punishment for the better of me.

That which binds us is no longer with me. Not anymore.



****************

Thank God, thank God, thank God. Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God!!!

Except, what do I do now?

Natalie Walker - Empty Road

"You're a winter person, aren't you? I'm more of a monsoon person."

So monsoon is a season too. Of the tropics. I would share this season with you, but I couldn't. I am still in that middle bit. Switching from autumn to winter.

"No wonder it was so humid, it was trying to rain."

I would give you that fur too, if I were her. You have given her so much, but her, none in return. So yes, I would. But are they really intense? Is it true? Do you believe these things? Apparently mine have been true. I am a prisoner to them, I can never roam far enough.

This fight with the butter is not over, I think. I don't think I've ever fought butter for this long, my knees are grazing this path. I am at your corridor.

And yet my heart longs for it. That two are not on such friendly terms, the way weakness is walking so fast and so far ahead of pain. Not feeling so loved anymore, this one.



****************

My worst fears have been confirmed. I wish I could do something else. Somewhere, someone else needs this. I don't know if I am happy or angry. It's OK if you want to believe this is nothing more than a lie. It's OK that you want nothing to do with this. It's fine. Absolutely fanfreakingtastic. I will just have to deal with the mess this has turned into.

I'm having one of those honest to goodness hope you are happy thing going on.

Greg Laswell - Off I Go

On some days, I feel at peace with the world. Slow drivers on fast lanes, annoying couples staring lovingly into each other's eyes conveniently hogging the queue, slow and indecisive eaters. On others, I am temperamental enough to yell profanities at myself.

I will miss that place so much. What am I doing? Letting go? Hmph. Hardly as some would recall. I think I've managed to keep the lid on and nothing was spilling, something I didn't think I was capable of. Self-doubt. I guess I am just one of those people who would believe the judgments others give about myself. Have the weeds grown again?

I cannot begin to describe how much I despise her. She is not my friend, not a friend. Of any kind. Her actions and words disgust me to my very core. There is nothing worse a person could do to another. So know this. I hate you. Right down to the bone. And I don't hate people very often.

Missy Higgins - Blind Winter

"Hey you, how are you holding up?"

"Peachy, just peachy, thanks."

We don't have time either. Not that the ticking would stop. I've been sitting here quietly, loving you from afar. Do you care? Did you care? What about now?

I love you. And it's scary that these knots and its knots within are so tightly bound together and it wouldn't be enough without the strength. And time. To undo.

I love you. But more certainly if compared to the fact that you do not love me back. If there was even one isotope I could take back, this would be it. But I can't. These knots. Damn these knots.

We are like floppy disks. No longer an item of choice. It's just that you cannot imagine your life without your USB.

Your jargons intrigue me, you pierce through my deepest thoughts with one look. You are one I cannot stare down.

And I am pretty sure you are the one. Like when, like now.

Jon Schmidt - Pachelbel Meets U2

My nights are more beautiful now because I can see what lies ahead. The rain reminds me of our umbrella ella ella and your sweater and its smell. The scent is so similar, do they all smell the same? But the scent reminds me of that which does not belong to you. Are you mad that it does?

Is he mad that I am in this mode? This sweet and crunchy all the goodness in one Kit Kat mode that I am in but with my heart pondering aimlessly, making nervous circles on the Rothman roundabout that we seem so hopelessly chained to. I am having another bite soon to remind myself of this imprisonment.

****************

Ray is hunting left right up down for this song and I have it. He shall now be tasked with building me a shrine and an altar on which he will sacrifice virgins and drink their blood when worshiping me in a toe fungus licking and armpit sniffing ritual.

The Rescues - Crazy Ever After

It is almost too soon since I heard about him. I think I will bite into my Kit Kat now and lie there until my insides have mended. Because it is there, with him that I am able to lie, regardless of up or down. The weeds have grown lately.

I am "watching the sun and moon take their turns in the sky". And it is okay. I will see 25 minutes of the sun when I go, but when I come back and with the heaviest heart, I will see 26 minutes of the moon. For this would mark the final turn. This chapter closes on its own. Its hand holding mine. Leading me.



The trail gets colder, but with him around, it will warm up. Eventually.

Anberlin - Amsterdam

Someone I know needs to get a life. Rather than wasting hard-earned money on unnecessary things, really, just get a life.

You have no idea how much I hate you now.

Maybe someday I will give a shit, but right now, seriously? Just wake up and get a life.

Another song, for the fun of it.



P/S: Is it still raining wherever you go?

****************

My heart aches because of what you say. You are my friend first and my it's complicated second. You had so much faith in us you used when. You are completely selfless to not want me to feel like I have cheated on him. And that anything else is just fucking incredible. I thought it was mere infatuation but I have loved you then. And then this. I will love you still. I just think it has come and gone. I have loved him then. I will love him still. That too has come and gone.

Your Secrets Break My Heart

Does this lie tear your conscience into streaks of blood?

It didn't matter how good that song is, I just scrolled past it. Yours is like the God who is no more here to me. And I could not bear to hear it.

****************

Maturity got to me, finally. OMFG-Finally-A-Decent-Copywriter, are you proud of me? I had a choice to make, and I said, "Please don't wait up for me. You deserve so much more than a broken hand-me-down."

You wouldn't be mad at him anymore, would you? I am still on this side.

Superchick - Beauty From Pain

This is for the past. It has your name written all over it. The least I could do if not for myself, for my mother, is to get through the day one at a time.

Nights are longer. Sound of the clock ticking is so much louder. Breathing gets harder. Tears won't stop. Heartaches bite me in the middle of the night. Sand. Wall. Nights. It seeps.



It's time. To break it.

The Angel Demon Thing

Yes. I wore a freaking dr*ss to the event. Mind you, said dr*ss was not mine. It belongs to Mady who threatened to pull a Glasgow smile on me or kick me off a cliff if I didn't show up in a dr*ss style cikgu. The dr*ss is quite pretty. The dobi lady asked me where I got it.

I have FB-ed it. But I ran out of pathetically emotional stuff to blog about. So... I don't know. I guess, try not to laugh?


Now we know Jestina eats red bananas in her free time.


Mady's favourite shot.


Firdy yang muka blur.


Firdy yang muka blur dan kaki botol.


Mady and Serena C...


... whose muka chop is better than mine.


I am going to Bali with this one.


Mady and the guy who was too young for Jes. Bwahaha

I pity Jes whom a random dude was trying to hit on. To no avail of course. That girl has standards.

"There now, Ching. Don't be mean. Karma will stick its foot up your butt."

"It's okay, I might actually enjoy it."

"WTF."

Jon Schmidt & Ray Smith - To The Summit

I find this very comforting. In a happy way. I've always liked piano instrumentals. But this is on a new level. It's a piano sax combo. It's one of those songs that tell people they can do anything they want. Now, this is a song *I* want to play over and over.



Makes the Monday blues go away too. Not that I have a lot of blues on Mondays though.

****************

Something was bothering her tonight. I don't know what it is. But it bothers me that she is bothered. It's a pinprick. But the blood. God, the blood. Didn't do something today. Didn't do something when she left. Did something today. Did the hair and the brows. I have hot shoes. This is so random.

Maria Taylor - Time Lapse Lifeline

Last night was so, so good. Thank you Mady : ) There is proof of me in that white thing. That white thing and its cousin kinds are a sensitive issue to me. *rolls eyes*

And this song is for Alex.



****************

I am chasing after what is left, what non-existent bits I am made of. I love our playground moments. I love our rainy moments. I love our Alanis moments. When it's right, maybe I will love you.

Edit: Just like that. I am only shadowing.

Loveninjas - Earl Grey with Honey

I don't know what hurts more, that I cannot tell if liker or likee hurts more, or the fact that I don't want to admit the answer.

I've been told that being a likee who cannot return the love is the one who hurts more. I think that is guilt. But being a one-sided liker must hurt to, no?

They say people always want something they cannot get, and the harder it is to get it, the more they want it. Why does that not explain this?

Is it fun to torment another so? And she takes this hurt to hurt someone else, and she to another, and before anyone knows it, a pandemic. So many broken pieces from that chain, so hard to tell where they all came from or who they belong to. You did everything right, if it were me, I'd point at timing.

And by the way, this is for you.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

Before I forget, FINALLY! A decent copywriter OMFG, when he told me he got hired, I was so ecstatic my brain did a happy dance. Anyway, Finally-A-Decent-Copywriter gave me this song. And I swear to God it. is. omfg. awesome.

A bit saddening, but breathtakingly awesome nonetheless. Totally made my day.

Wordle!

Wordle is so wu liao but fun! Better than walking into glass doors!

This is mine.



****************

Can't believe I walked into the glass door in office twice today. Scraped my forehead and the skin is peeling.

My head hurts : (

If I Were A Rock Star

This would be my first album cover.



Open http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
(alternatively, if the first article you hit is short, hit Random Article two more times.)

Open http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

Open http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Finally, use photoshop/paint or similar to put it all together.

-Stolen from Bianca.

Scissors for Lefty - Got Your Moments

I was at the bottom of the river when I watched you drown. You drowned looking up, she passes you by. I drowned when you looked up.



****************

I think last night was one of those moments. : )

Mates of State - For The Actor

This song is happily chirpy and it makes me smile. You always know how to make me smile. Thanks for saving my life : )



P/S: Wolverine is so good. The company, even better! And the best? Joy came back a couple of days ago and we are hanging out again! Walks in the park under the moonlit sky are so cheesy, but this makes me happy.

Josh Pyke - Beg Your Pardon

Foreword: I did something good today. : )

When I find something good to listen to, I will share it. Because she saved my life with a song. I shall share that tomorrow. It'll happen from now on. When I find it.

Peeps Kevin and Living gave me Josh Pyke and this song. And Minus The Bear. OMFG awesome. I am going to see them people this year so they may mafia me. : )



It's funny how you can miss someone,
even when they're sitting next to you.
So I profess that loneliness is not always by company cured.
The cats are in the windows,
dogs are at the doors,
the lamps are lit and the curtains being drawn,
but you're wanting his heart,
when I'm wanting yours.

But oh no, around you I forget behaviour,
but if I begged your pardon,
might I once again be in your favour?
And i know that I'm not the one of whom,
you think at night,
but I know I,
presume to think I made you think of me right now.

And every day the drudgery that lingers when the day is done for me.
I long to feel the quickening,
that anything from you to me can bring.
Actors never stop their acting,and a singer never has a thing to say,
but you're drawn to him,
so I get drawn away.
Again.

****************

Maybe Tuesday. Maybe next month. Maybe the mother. Because SHE. Truly. Loves. Me.

Merely

Don't drag my love around. Continuing the walk is a matter of decision. So I picked up.

Project Cheerleader: Andra & The Backbone - Sempurna

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indah
Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujimu
Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku
Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna... Sempurna...

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sayangku, kau begitu

Sempurna...
Sempurna...

I guess this will be THE last song. It is only apt to put this as the last song. I guess I won't be hearing the hamsap version anymore, but I will never forget it too.

****************

9 Crimes (Acoustic) - Damien Rice

Today, it is finally over. For good. Let's look at this as my last post about you.

There are a couple of things I want to say. The I-Love-You's and I'll-Miss-You's are a given but because there is no turning back now, I'll just have to accept it.

I will miss so many things about you.

You were already taking care of me when we met. You met my mother the night we met. And then we went for char siew fan at Aman Suria and had a super long chat in Bangsar. I think I had already fallen in love with you then. The long and curled eyelashes. The thick brows. The deep, thoughtful eyes.

Shortly after, you played Sempurna. And you tell me that was it for you. And I was happy and flattered. I loved your family. Your extended family too. And your dog. Your mom's cooking. Later, SIA started. I am sorry for when it was your last night in Singapore before you left for OBS. You were forgiving. Everyday I got home hoping to see your letters.

When you came back I went down to Singapore. I remember Prince of Wales and Hive. I will miss that too. I liked Singapore because you were there. Thank you for making the effort to come back to Kl so often, I'd like to think you did it for me.

I remember the first time you whispered 'I Love You' in my ear. I remember how you Facebook-ed me into being in a relationship. I love that about you.

I will miss your mom. She's a cool mom. She Zuma-s better than me. I will miss your dad. He was the closest to being a father figure in my life. He's a cool dad too. And funny. I am sorry about the remark I made about your sister. I really do hope she is OK. I will pray too. God may not listen to me anymore, but I will try anyway.

I will miss your home. And your room. Eating your mom's cooking at your place. Napping with you even after we said we'll just rest a while.

I am sorry for lying about Japan. I couldn't deal with talking about it. I'm sorry for breaking promises and lying about drinking. I didn't want you to look at me with that kind of disgust one has for an alcoholic.

I steal this from Bianca. "I steal this from Mirarara - 'Regret, to me is the most painful thing to experience in my life and living with it isn’t easy.'"

For me, you were THE one. And I love you. I always have, and probably always will.



Today, I found out the truth from a few days ago. I am sick to my stomach. How could I have been so stupid? And I am filled with hate. Bye to you too.