The Secret

Last night I did the unthinkable. Last night I committed a sin so grave because I enjoyed it. It's a dirty word, but I still will not sigh. It took my breath away, I sunk my teeth into its flesh. My lips dried and started to split, drizzling blood onto its shell. I licked them clean, the blood - it tastes like metal. And then I hurried away like an illegally inbred child. And all night, I thought to myself what have I done?

Irrevocable Damages

Do you know what I used to think about when I look at you? Do you want to know?

I picture you naked. And I remember your smell. Your small hands, the dainty knuckles. Your baby hairs on the back of your neck, always getting in my way. Your gay knees that wouldn't be straightened. Your eyelashes, so fine but so definitive. That gulp you do, so absolute.

I picture you naked. Defenseless. Simple and untainted. Pristine, even. I picture you naked. And that picture is seared into my mind. I had wanted you back. I still do.

Do you want to know what I think about you when I look at you now?

How much we have changed. And not necessarily for the better. I want to help you find the splinter that you cannot find. And draw you a map out of the puzzle. This Promethean curse you speak of shouldn't matter now. You have paid your due and I mine.

Reach out. Reach out and I will come for you. Until you do, expect that I will try to find MY solace in the ungodly. Just as you.

Wide Open

Watch me or shoot me. I am already broken.

You are bound to your words, they seem like promises unfulfilled.

Well, so am I.

The Jarring Connection

Yes, I come from a family of crazies. Crazed lunatics with psychotic tendencies. Whack-jobs who simply cannot be sedated or drugged in any way.

It's a chicken and egg thing. By agreeing, you are reinforcing that it is real, when in fact it is not. The more you agree, the more realistic it gets, the harder it is to back away from it, and the more you need to agree with it. Never take the blood for granted.

I am afraid to go home. Afraid to mind my own business. Afraid to walk to the kitchen. I am married to fear and to a family of crazies.

Apparently It's Over

I really didn't mean to laugh. I was in so much pain from being a murderer. What constitutes manslaughter, I wonder. Evidently it's karma and I am paying the price for it.

I feel a little liberated, hearing that. It's unlikely that I will get my chance to probe and pry, or even get back into it. But I still feel liberated. Because I am evil. I am the Evelyn that doesn't exist. Face scarred, wicked thoughts, killer habits. I am Evelyn. But worse.

I think to myself, it could be anyone else. As long as it is not because of me, as long as I didn't have a part in it, as long as I didn't contribute to any of it happening.

Of Knicks And Knacks

I don't update as often as I'd like to. And I can't remember what happened in the past several weeks so it's not like I can fill you in on anything.

There's been bits and pieces of this and that, a pinch of here and there though I am pretty sure a staple topic is that I'm perpetually penniless.

Today, I fixed up the side mirror on my car, the one I hulk-rage smashed over one of those weekends at a mall. Despite it costing me RM80, I was more than happy to pay for it. I don't know why. Knowing my compulsion to keep all my RM50 notes nice and together, I would have screamed in protest, perhaps even inflicting physical harm onto those around me. But no. Nothing of that sort.

I did come across something fun lately.

Lego.

And bacon. Oh, how will I choose?

If I could I'd go for Lego while eating bacon, but my blocks would have unsightly grease marks on them. Not something I want to do to my new-found hobby.

I think this train of thought is pushing me to purchase another Lego set. Something a wee bit more intricate. Today maybe? Hmm...

Productive?

Maybe not. Not in terms of speed. I don't think it's because of work, but today, I feel like I have achieved something.

So much for a deep revealing emotional post. I'm wrecked beyond recognition.

Babies

I can't quite grasp the fact that people my age are having babies. Why so soon? Isn't it too early to tie yourself down with a kid? The only pros I can cook up is that babies are tax deductible.

"This is my child, Discount"

"This is my offspring, Coupon"

"This is my spawn, Voucher"

"This is mini-me, his name is Notax"

Again

I cannot believe I am going through this again. What is it, 7 times now?

Is seven even lucky? Fuck seven.

I will slowly figure this out. But until then, I think I will grow my nails. Perhaps longer than 4mm this time. That should help.

Salary

It might as well be called celery.

I am 25 years old this year.

What I do at work.

I Facebook. Serve my cafe, restaurant, take care of my hotel, build my empire.
I read FMyLife.
I read comics. Questionable Content, Warehouse, Pictures for Sad Children, Not From Concentrate, Oatmeal, Pajama Forest.
I read online news. Star, MSNBC.
I do ad searches.

What I hardly do at work.

Work.

Geddit?

Sometimes people get jealous when they hear that I am overpaid. Sometimes they wonder why I am overpaid. Few ask me why I am overpaid.

I don't wonder anymore. I am paid to shoulder this dilemma.

In my past experiences, every single time I voiced an opinion, thought out loud, if you may, they are shot down. Point blank, in fact.

And now I have noticed something huge today. Something with an impact of epic proportions. I feel uneasy not doing anything about it. But I don't want to risk being told that I "don't get it". What should I do?

This is why they pay me. So whenever I feel like this, I should think of the money and just keep my damn pie hole shut.

Baby Oliver

I don't like kids. But I am happy for the people who do. And who will love theirs. And who will teach theirs to be like them. Awesomefreakingblossom.

Spontaneous Decisions

Thought really isn't my strength. Spontaneity however. That's like a whole other subject all together.

I managed to get a few educated feedback from several friends. I asked them how long did they ponder about it, before replacing their car with a new one? An upgrade, that is. And 5 of 6 said a few months. One said a year. He waited one year so he could save up enough for the down payment. But by the time he had thousands in cash, the model had already gone through a face-lift.

And he's one of those people who wouldn't buy a second-hand anything. Kinda like me.

I shudder when I think about what previous owners did in their cars before they sold it. Pick their noses and conveniently start a collection of different colored boogers on their steering wheels? Or hook up in the back seat and accidentally spunk up the car? Perhaps on a fateful night, got drunk and threw up all over the seat - what if puke juice is still inside the seat? Dried, but still there.

And then I turned to mommy dearest, whom despite many discouraging naggings in the past, and has this time decided that she will convince me rationally, calculated thoroughly how my life would cease to exist if I purchased a new set of wheels. And I completely agree with her.

And then I read someone's tweet and downloaded Hachiko. It brought me to tears and much research on dogs.

Why not get a dog instead of a car? It's 40x less expensive to begin with.

Rain Only

Such a nice day outside. The torrential downpour happening out there is making me crave a steamboat feast.

I hope I don't bump into that asswipe of a friend.

Them Schoolmates

It's kind of weird to see my ex-schoolmates all er, grown up. Everyone went separate ways, doing their thing. It's very judgmental of me but the top students I thought they were don't write very good English now. Why is that, anyway? It's not like I'm saying I'm better than them. Well, actually I am. At writing anyways.

But it's nice to see they all have a good life.

Makes me think what I've achieved in my life so far. Nothing.

I've been job-hopping. Making enemies. No doubt I'm getting paid more than the average yuppy my age. But I have nothing I'm particularly proud of.

At least they're getting married one-by-one. They've found their equal. Or getting there, at least. But where does that put me? Back where I first started out.

If I was ever given a chance, I would do everything differently. For one, I'd curb the eating compulsion. And actually give a shit about how I look in the public eye. Just aesthetically at least. I'd dump the temper and the macho facade. People think I'm too much of a man. I'd make an effort to please other people more. Right now it's always about me. And I never please anyone at the expanse of my own happiness or comfort. I would have done more with my life. I would have tried harder to keep up. I'd learn a useful skill. Spelling words backwards, perhaps.

I'd make a good copywriter, I swear. And I promise I won't be cryptic. And you won't have to decipher the meaning behind my labyrinth of thoughts.

Them girls have done very well for themselves. Nobody's scrawny and malnourished. Everyone's kept a good size. Got great personalities. Done well for themselves. All of them except several.

One who makes me want to gut her from the bottom up. Vladimir the impaler would be ashamed of himself. I want to slit her throat, sandpaper her face off her head. Ukranians would fear me.

Anyways, as I was saying. I'd do away with the temper. I'd try, at the very least.

But a narcissistic side of me still likes me now.

Scoff.

Words

How I run out of words to speak my mind.

How I fuck all my grammar and sentence structure trying to tell you something.

It's not good. Or is it?

I hate that I'm doing to you what he did to me. I fucking hate it. I hate that I'm hurting you the way he hurt me. And it's not right. I hate me means that.

Why do others always want a chunk of this? You tilt my world this side and they tip over on that side.

Sometimes I think you're trying to wake me up. The reality is that you already did. But it was too late for me to liquidate that pang of guilt. And worse, the hate.

Why is everyone eavesdropping?

Almost

Did you know how you almost lost me? Like I'm some chump change to you. That's how. Like you couldn't be bothered putting me in your wallet, so you just shove me in some part of your bag that you didn't even know existed.

You had your chance. And you put on an act then poured everything down the drain.

That was how you almost lost me. And this is how I am giving you away. Like chump change.

Wishlist

Rozen Maiden dolls!

Long-coat chihuahua!

PlayStation 3!

Motorola Droid!

And some kisses. ^_^

Oh You

How is it that after we've been apart for so long (and we never even managed to meet up that often anyway) you still find your way back into my heart? Who is giving you these powers and how can I get some?

Oh You You

Will I even measure up?

The Boys At Work

They make me laugh the minute they start a conversationb. I'm sor happy with this sort of entertainment. :)

Blackness

Why do you find a need to invade all my friends? My friends are NOT your friends. Why the fuck do you need to poke your nose into MY friends' business? Mind your own.

So Far Off

I thought Domyouji was suppose to lose his memory and not remember Makino. -.-

Celup

This is Daniel when you saw him last.



So cute.

This is Daniel now.



And the rest of the pack of tiny tiny humans.


You haven't met this one. Her name is Liya.


And Lilian.


And Ethan. Hunt. I am not kidding. His name is Ethan Senn Hunt.


And this is Ethan as Robocop.

I really love me some celups.

What Else Is There To Do?

There isn't really much now, is there? Not when you've pulled the plug from the bath and tell the water that it can go anywhere it likes. Try it, you'll see.

And honestly, why do people tap their noses when they want you to keep a secret?

****************

Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of how sad and tragic the ending was, what with the self-sacrifice and love is justice and the tortured soul facades, but there aren't other ways it could have ended without it being a bucket load of crap.


Nakagawa Koutarou - Madder Sky

I Think I Feel Much Cleaner Now

Just when I thought I've gotten rid of all the junk sitting in various corners of my room, there were yet thirteen bags full I've managed to collect and tightly fastened into non-recyclable shopping bags. Ah, what fate lies in wait for them.



Do you remember them book bands? You know, don't you? I found my trusty neon thingamajig in a box within a box and God help the nostalgia, this book band pre-dates everything else in my room! (It's funny, Malaysians. We use butter tubs as lunch boxes, plastic shopping bags as bin liners, old tees as doormats - if that's what you call them feet-wipes your mother puts outside the toilet, and shoe boxes as storage containers.)

Anyway, book bands are such nifty little things, aren't they? They keep your exercise books in check. They also kept me in check - when I was a mischief and my mother would grab whatever was in reach and gave me a nice spanking, and said book band wasn't very nifty then.

I threw away many things. All held memories. My first ever soft toy, for example. It was a green bunny with a yellow bow-tie and it was RM13, I think. From Daya (or was it Jaya) Supermarket in SS2. One which I very affectionately called Whiskers. Whiskers unfortunately has grown much darker than I remembered it. He was black.



Then there was one stray piece of evidence that I hadn't done very well for myself at school. History answer sheet. Score? 41 of 60. So much for being in the top students class. Clearly everyone else trumped me so badly that I felt the need to hide it in that box within a box.

And finally, the fads of school.

The straw roses (and I don't mean dry grass, I meant the cylindrical tube you drink your overly sweetened carbonated beverage with).

And the 'friendship bands' that cost you tons of patience to braid, not to mention a fortune on DMC threads and in those days, you just had to have every color conceivable, or at least one from each color group anyway. And there was no such thing as too many groups. There had to be light pink group and dark pink group.

Oh, and fancy 'autograph books' with like Hello Kitty's on it that said 'Nama' and 'Alamat' on every page for all your friends to write in and sign their most cursive signatures in a host of colors. Again, there had to be light pink and dark pink.

And lastly, a school memento that my mother treasured so dearly.

It was the annual prize giving event itinerary booklets from primary school. Every year, for academic excellence (derived solely from promises of sets of Garfield stationeries, video game consoles, Transformers action figures and Tamiya cars), I went up the stage. (In secondary school I was smarter, I had learned that the bribes my mother offered were fake so I slacked off). I, however, decide that I want to keep my bragging rights. I was awesome in primary school, OK. I'd get perfect scores in English and Math, and be top of the class and some years when I was promised much bigger things, I'd be top of my year. And that had resulted in my name being printed in bold in those booklets. And they have turned brown and disgusting, with so many unidentifiable stains on them, crime scene investigators would have a field day with them.

Yet, my mother insists on keeping them still.

In any case, my room has considerably less stuff now and I feel clean.

Thy Hobby Amazes Me

I like someone who doesn't just like to read a bunch of books and get into rows about who's the berk and who's the prat. I fancy this much.

Falling Star

You know what they say, don't you? Falling stars are good luck.

On the contrary, it'd be really bad if you really did catch a falling star. Nevermind that it probably won't fit in your pocket. Just a thought.

I wonder if this could be my falling star moment, however fleeting it may be.

No, don't follow me. I don't want you to. Here's to us. And all your lies.

Code Geass

Both seasons equally steam but with a terribly sad ending. A lot of guns and bad ass action figure fighting in between, and the art is very Tsubasa Chronicles, but with a little something for the grown-ups.

♥


Kuroishi Hitomi - Continued Story

Funny You Should Be So Calm

Unless this isn't your first time committing a crime, I really don't see how you can be so composed all the time. Do you always keep your cool like that?

I'd mail your 26 cents over to you if I could, if one senseless sentence would mean anything at all. Is it much to do with an infatuation - debauchery of epic proportions are going on here isn't it?

What I really want to know is, why was it so paramount for you to lie to me? You know what you did is like selling a car with a full tank of petrol. I just need to know why you lied. What sort of cupidity drove you to lie?

Sorry Doesn't Mean A Thing

If you say you're sorry ten times over and over, the least you're doing is summoning up courage times ten and showing that you mean it right?

But when you're this far away, all you're doing is copying and pasting that one word. And it loses its meaning right after the first 'sorry', doesn't it?

Next Time

I promise we'll do it properly, okay?

I promise.

It's Like Ice Cream

On a warm day.

Your flailing attempts at preserving your pride. You're losing, aren't you? Kiss me goodbye tonight, I will return some of your pride.

One Of Those Moments

It's safe now.

I've burned you in. I cannot explain you away anymore.

Quixote

My goodness, people. It's pronounced 'key-yoh-tee' not 'quick-sot'.

An Old Story From A Distant Past

Today was a good day. Not the happy sunshine and rainbows kind but still, no crisis counts for something no? I came home to clear my bookmarks and I found something that I had forgotten. Shoved so far into the back of my head, I think it could have felt lonely.

I am that kind of person who thinks about her exes all the time. It didn't matter how they treated me, or how I treated them or who had ended it. But there was this special one, who made me feel the crappiest. The truth is, I don't know why he was any exception. Maybe because he gave me a bouquet of lolly pops. Oh, you didn't know? Lolly pops were my thing some time ago. Maybe because he let me numb his feet by sleeping on them. Maybe I was just that shallow. I fell for all the little lies and empty promises and easy words.

But only him, I didn't occasionally bring up in my mind. True. Why, indeed.

Hiding that memory was the only way to recover. Burying it with all sorts of junk over the years and making sure nothing would accidentally leak out.

Do you remember Lynn? Do you remember that girl I used to talk about. She would never order her own meal but will always leech off everyone else's, then proceed to regurgitate. Today I stumbled in all the right places and it reminded me of all the wrongs you have done to me. I was stupid. And you were prized. In all your sob stories, you were precious. To many. And I wasn't exclusive.

Today I remembered how you've scarred me by telling all who were close to me about my impending heartbreak. Today I remembered what thick skin you have when you warned them to hide this from me. Today I remembered and maybe felt again like deja vu the helplessness of losing you, losing us. Today I remembered that I told myself it was silly to have put so much heart into one relationship after you left me for dead. And today is also the day that I remember that my life isn't over after all.

Because today, I've found someone. Someone close to my heart. Someone worth the trouble. Someone I've known for several years and whom I cannot imagine tearing me apart and leaving me to mend myself back into one. Someone who will solder the cracks shut. Someone who drapes me all over so that the pieces I've been gluing together, the holes I've been trying to fill aren't exposed for the world to see.

And today, you might as well be dead to me :)

Roadkill McSlaughter

He is my joy.

Last night I picked him up and set him in front of the computer while I played Gemcraft.

He went near the mouse and I accidentally used Roadkill to move the cursor. No, he didn't poke me : )

But later he fell asleep in right next to my arm, to this song.


Clint Michigan - Hawthorne to Hennepin

I Am Not Unlike You

What I am doing to you, as relieving for me as it is, is no less than human.

What I am doing to you, it gives me a rush of satisfaction.

I preach it. But what you did to me was horrible yet it is so easy for me to be punishing you the same way. I am no less human, no more a monstrosity. But I am more humane than you could ever be.

You.

Feel.

No.

Guilt.

Everything is just a gimmick to you. Every chance you get. Everything in your path. All subjected to your choices. The lesser, the outcasts. And you greed for the rest.

You are like one of those people who go around systematically pilfering champagne glasses from the parties you're invited to.

Many things you do disgust me.

You are shameful. There is no escaping that.

Yet, so am I.


Florence and the Machine - Cosmic Love

Very Steam

First returning episode of Grey's Anatomy in 2010 is very steam.

If only it was that easy to pull a "Fine, then take him". You don't suppose it's about a certain vendetta now, do you?

Hmm...

Edit: Following episode was even more shocking. Eeesh fucking steam.

Hello Blondies

Is it me, or does AJ Cook and Bitchy Britney Spears look alike?





****************

On an unrelated note, why is Lite FM playing Susan Boyd's song every morning. Tulannya.

Fish. Blah.

I should cast a wider net right?

There's just one tiny hiccup.

The fish. Is it near or far?

Skim Cepat Kaya

No fancy multi-level marketing nonsense, no thoroughly thought out rouse to trick people. No need for extra effort, no requirement to be highly educated or own a certificate of any kind.

How about a thrilling career as one of the following?

. Toll booth operator
. Survey or focus group participant
. Extra in a movie or TV show ie. dead body 1 and running kid 2

Or you could be the blonde lady who turns the letters on Wheel of Fortune.


Glass Pear - Last Day of Your Life

The Fireworks

Were quite scarce this last year. It's taken a bit to convince myself that it's 2010 already. I swear I felt a shift in the space-time continuum.

While I am quite content to simply stay home in the presence of pillows in a perfectly mushed position, I get this feeling that I'm a bit old to show up in a sea of over-privileged teens and consume alcohol in that same vicinity.

I'm only 24.

And those two nights, they were good nights. Good. Relatively. Despite the fact that some bimbo stabbed my little toe with her sharpened heels. Oh yes, I thought it was a guy. But now I see a U-shaped imprint atop the skin covering my coagulated blood.

Bimbo: Noun. Vacuous female single-celled organism which crawls out of the primordial ooze who will one day be turning letters in her foreseeable future and the only way she'd know which letters to turn is when they ding and light up.

Why, yes. Happy New Year to all.


Erin McKeown - To The Stars

2010

Wave goodbye at 2009.