Today was a good day. Not the happy sunshine and rainbows kind but still, no crisis counts for something no? I came home to clear my bookmarks and I found something that I had forgotten. Shoved so far into the back of my head, I think it could have felt lonely.
I am that kind of person who thinks about her exes all the time. It didn't matter how they treated me, or how I treated them or who had ended it. But there was this special one, who made me feel the crappiest. The truth is, I don't know why he was any exception. Maybe because he gave me a bouquet of lolly pops. Oh, you didn't know? Lolly pops were my thing some time ago. Maybe because he let me numb his feet by sleeping on them. Maybe I was just that shallow. I fell for all the little lies and empty promises and easy words.
But only him, I didn't occasionally bring up in my mind. True. Why, indeed.
Hiding that memory was the only way to recover. Burying it with all sorts of junk over the years and making sure nothing would accidentally leak out.
Do you remember Lynn? Do you remember that girl I used to talk about. She would never order her own meal but will always leech off everyone else's, then proceed to regurgitate. Today I stumbled in all the right places and it reminded me of all the wrongs you have done to me. I was stupid. And you were prized. In all your sob stories, you were precious. To many. And I wasn't exclusive.
Today I remembered how you've scarred me by telling all who were close to me about my impending heartbreak. Today I remembered what thick skin you have when you warned them to hide this from me. Today I remembered and maybe felt again like deja vu the helplessness of losing you, losing us. Today I remembered that I told myself it was silly to have put so much heart into one relationship after you left me for dead. And today is also the day that I remember that my life isn't over after all.
Because today, I've found someone. Someone close to my heart. Someone worth the trouble. Someone I've known for several years and whom I cannot imagine tearing me apart and leaving me to mend myself back into one. Someone who will solder the cracks shut. Someone who drapes me all over so that the pieces I've been gluing together, the holes I've been trying to fill aren't exposed for the world to see.
And today, you might as well be dead to me :)
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