To Exhaust Myself

I couldn't sleep last night. So I cleaned my shelves. And browsed old websites. Blogs. You were so deep, and I almost couldn't understand you. 4 years later, now I do why you said what you said about it. The pain is only starting to hit me now. Because I only understand now. You are amplifying it, do you know?

"i wondered what it'd be like if i never met her.

but i lied, i always knew. i just.. forgot.

i wouldn't be any different than what i am today. i wouldn't at all. i'd just be in love with someone else. love is.. essential to a jedi's life. yeah.. just no fucking.

could i enjoy being unloving for one second? i haven't breathed the free air since i knew her.

and now my heart's somewhere else to someone who doesn't care."

I know it's coming from here. I would be your beer. I could want this. But I couldn't. Not now. It would kill you more times, we've talked about this. And you killed me so many times the last time. And so what if the moon is not full? I like it full, but if it's not, I'd just have to wait, won't I? I wonder if you tell B about this now.

"I've stopped trying to see her. But that day in the car with Alanis, I remembered how cold it was. You'd ask me why I talk about Alanis a lot, it's one common thing we had in common. But I don't realise it. When the common points have been broken I find myself developing a fetish for those who stayed intact. Broken arm still gripping."

So why does it always rain when we are in Frankie? And why do I ask over and over? By the way I still can't see the stars. We should try some time.

"You're sad I could see it in your eyes. I make you laugh don't I? The car skids along the curling street, like a finger I'm drawn in. The aligators are okay but the bridge snaps. Castle pride tears civilized apart, lost on the asphalt pride.

Something was taken from me by a fish swimming through its gills. Something was lost that night and I want it back. To stretch the gills and exhale CO2. The street signs show me, street lights flickering an unsaid realization. The Illuminati'd see the vicious triangle. The enlightened one does not warn. Said things clear skies but peering eyes fog obscured.

Sin borne like an epidemic. Sin born like a truth."

And now I really do understand. Am I becoming deep?

And did you draw yourself a one-sided dimple? I would kiss that.

I am hoping to sleep tonight. Because I hadn't slept last night. But I couldn't tonight either, I think. Not after revisiting this. You mellow with age to a normal level of meanness? Your meanness from 4 years ago is only hitting me now. I know you mean well now. And I know you'd want me to be your beer. And I could be.

****************

I really just look at this like one time when you are upset and would really like someone to listen, you find the person who last made contact with you. It is really because I had nobody I could talk to. Like physically talk to.

Today is not about having feelings. Today is about feeling the pain of understanding why it happened. Today the pain is doubled. Maybe more. Because I just came accross him as someone he cannot trust, and because I could never have us back anymore. Today, I really want to drink and die. I would take it all back, all the wrongs I have done. But it doesn't move him. He won't budge. And the pain comes from knowing that it was my fault. That I caused it. So I turn to the person who wants me around because he doesn't want me around anymore and because she provides distraction. And my heart aches because love is not enough. Because he won't trust me. Because he cannot. Because I did this.

I really loved him. But he wouldn't give me another chance. He really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. So today I really want to drink. Crash. Then, die.

It's stupid but maybe I will.