Unbelievable

I still cannot believe I come here and have these thoughts. They’re not really unpleasant thoughts, but they’re not really pleasant either. And I still cannot believe I have this vulnerability against this one particular song.

How easily I forget. How conveniently I dragged everything from one folder into that column. It draws a most unsightly grimace from me, even as I was about to break my own high score on Tetris.

Tetris. God, that game is such a classic. You know what would be cool to put in my house next time? A Pacman machine. The ones you see in the arcades like dinosaur years ago. Like in Weeds. Such beautiful lights. Such mesmerising neon lights. I would go crazy with that.

Oh yes. About the grimace. Almost as suddenly as I twitched my eyes and shrugged, I realised I was hurrying to the computer to skip the song and then proceed to delete it from my playlist. Weird isn’t it? How one song can make people do things, or not do things.

My hot barrister cousin (already no one can ever win a debate against a barrister, let alone a hot one - and yes I like to call her that, the hot one) asked me about it. Please don’t spare the juicy details, she added. Bawling drama ensued. Well, not really bawling like bawling. My ego had the courtesy of informing me that it was actually only half a tear. And cliché as it may sound, it suddenly hit me.

Was I upset because I really loved him, or was I upset because he was this prospect of a good life? There is no black and white, this one. Evidently, it would be easier if it were the latter because it is the easier out, the lesser of two evils. If I were to give it a certain percentage, I’d say 60-40. It’s not wrong, is it? To have such a high percentage on the prospect of a quality life? I read somewhere (and I can’t remember where) that being attracted to someone for the prospect of leading a good life is like being attracted to someone because of a particular skill like say, playing the piano, or belly dancing or something.

But I feel like I have wronged someone. So gravely. And I really am clueless as to how I’m going to make it up. Or make myself feel less guilty. Should I continue to be taken advantage of by said someone? Does this make it better? And if it does, for whom? Can you feel the eternal question changing now?

I remember going berserk. I flipped. And now there is no mending it. So I’m not getting calls anymore. But at what and whose expense?

Score 1 for another eternal question.